bein a birthmom at 4am the day before her birthday.

being a birth-mom.... its weird.... I mean, its an honor, don't get me wrong, i love knowing that i was able to help a well deserving couple transform into a family, and they've been amazing throughout this entire process... which is exactly what this is, a long and ongoing, (probably forever) process.

i guess its just that its hard to figure out MY place in her life. i know very well that I'm not at all her parent. I'm not even an authority figure. I know I go by my name, and she knows who I am, and what it means, but as the years pass and I watch her grow, I'm not sure what it means for me. I love her. I really and purely do. One of my BIGGEST fears when making the choice to place her with Ben and Betsy was that she wouldn't know that i loved her and the depth of my love for her i mean i love her so much it practically killed me to let her walk out that door with someone other than me knowing that would be the last time she was MINE. it literally took the breath out of me and i couldn't stand... its by far one of the most painful memories i have and even knowing the outcome and how happy i am with it and how much love, respect and joy I have from my relationship with her family, I still cry every time i think of it... it just hurt that much... so loving her isn't a question like I'm sure ignorant people tend to think... but what I'm realizing lately is that I grieve over her, i grieve every year, even 8 years later... not all year, not even frequently, but quiet times, when I'm alone, sometimes in the shower, or just late at night when i cant sleep, or even something as simple as feeding Ava can set it off, and I cant help but feel that pain i felt when i let her walk out the door all the way back on August 11th 2003...

When Katie was a baby and things were fresh, I would see her and I would be so excited to see everyone, it was excitement to see that i made the right choice, that her life was good, that they love her more than words, that she was happy, and that they really were going to let me be in her life actively. then I would leave the visit and as the day would go on and fade to night, id slip into this sad, jealous feeling, why couldn't i have her, why didn't i keep her, i miss her i want her back sort of a thing. i got over it really quick... it was just an adjustment period... i literally changed laundry soap cause i NEEDED to have her smell around me, so like a crazy lady i switched to the same soap they used, and it helped me move on... i felt like i had a little bit of her around.  by the time the girls were sitting up i was over that whole situation, and kind of just at peace, or maybe in denial.... I'm not sure...but fast forward a few years... on their 5th birthday we went to the park together, Katie was being sassy and throwing sand at kaleya and just not listening to her mom, and i remember thinking to myself "yikes... I'm glad its not one of my kids doing that." [[disclaimer-no my kids are not perfect in fact they to are naughty on occasion... i have a point... keep reading don't get upset yet]] ( I guess when i decided Ben and Betsy were the perfect parents, i assumed Katie was the perfect kid -Clearly i was overlooking the fact that she still has my DNA Lol) anywho it was that day that things kind of changed for me I couldn't put my finger on it but now i can.

I carried Katie in my belly (along with Liv) for almost 10 months. I knew her sleeping, kicking, hiccuping patterns, i knew her heart-rate, position, i knew how to get her to move, i talked to her, and in a sense i confided in them both during one of the most difficult times of my life... i mean its easier to "talk" to two fetuses than to talk to yourself lol. When I got pregnant I was so upset, i went from feeling violated and angry, hurt and dirty, to loving these little people and wanting the very best for them, wishing it was me, but knowing it wasn't. I gave birth to them naturally, Olivia first head down, then Katie, breech, i breastfed them both while in the hospital, they roomed in with me, and i took that time to tell her everything i could. i knew she wouldn't remember it but it was more for my peace of mind. I told her how special she was and how perfect and that i loved her more than words, that she didn't do anything wrong and that i wish i could keep her...fml... [again with those painful a$$ memories] and that if circumstances were different there would be no question about whether or not id keep her. The adoption was final on September 16th, she was just over a month old and I no longer considered her mine after that point. When I'm sad or missing her, I'm grieving for My newborn baby.... its like a death. the only way I can describe it is that I had a baby, she was mine, and when she was a month old she wasn't there anymore, my memories of her just stop... but I met a family who had a baby that looked just like her and was the same exact age etc.

I'm not attached to Katie as my child, I'm attached to Katie as Katie, Olivia's sister (similar to a sibling through an ex-spouse) or Katie, my good friends daughter, or Katie, this amazing, talented, smart little girl who although i know is my daughters twin is her complete opposite--livie HATES bugs...Katie worms her own hook to fish, Katies terrified of a two wheeler, Livs been riding one since 3 years old etc... theyre both BRILLIANT little girls, but such individuals. Tim always corrects me when people ask me how many kids I have and I answer with 5... saying You forgot about Katie!! and I'm sure there are those of you who'll agree with him, but i don't. Ben and Betsy have tearfully thanked me a ZILLION times for giving them a child and i finally had to tell them... Katie was never mine. There's a reason this happened to me. Its not often that somethin so beautiful can come from something so ugly. Nick thought he was ruining me when he did what he did and instead he was blessing me and a whole nother family in the process. So no. No thanks needed. Katie was never meant for me... I was just the P.O. box that delivered her for Ben and Betsy, god sent her for them all along.

I'm sure this'll be a life long scar that needs a little TLC here n there, but its never going to heal completely with me just shoving it away in the corner or covering it up with baggy clothes so to speak. The girls will be 8 tomorrow. Ive been a "birth-mom" for 8 long years.... each of them different.... and sadly enough i think this is the beginning of my TRUE healing process.

Hi. My names Kim. I had twins on august 9th 2003 at 4:14 and 4:15 they weighed 6 lbs 1 oz (18.25 inches) and 6 lbs 5 oz (18.5 inches). On September 16th of that same year I placed one of them for adoption with an amazing set of parents, and its probably the best choice I've made as a parent to date....it hurt like hell, but I'm still standin.

Addiction.

Theres all types.  I know Im not at all immune to it, matter of fact, Im pretty sure i have ocd, which in a way is an addiction to being addicted.  Im addicted to cleaning.... and not only cleaning but cleaning a certain way.  im addicted to music, to certain tv shows, to laughing, starbucks, you name it, i can convince myself that i NEED it.  I can be in a total HOME mood, but if i get into addiction mood, and think about chocolate peanutbutter cup cookies (omg theyre so flippin good) log enough, you better believe i will get out of bed if its MIDNIGHT and spend even my last 2.39$ in pennies to buy them at the local 24 hour walgreens if i have to just to get that "fix"  HOWEVER... I will say this.... ive found the secret to addiction...  its actually no secret at all, it just makes me feel smart ssayin that, but yah ive "found" the secret.  make it work FOR you instead of against you.  I used cleaning and music as example, those arent really harmful addictions, but how bout eating.... oh yah, big time... so i turned my addiction to eating into an addiciton to paying attention to and keeping track of what i ate (counting calories) its hard to over do it when youre forcing yourself to be accountable for it.  it worked, i lost 90 lbs.  check it out....
this is me july 4th 2008(with my baby sister and my son jr)...sadly its the only "fat" pic i can find cause i avoided cameras... but i stayed that way til july 09  i was roughly 247 lbs.... whoa momma right??  I was having issues with my health related to my brain that were effecting everything from the ability to move my neck to vision.  I literally couldnt drive cause i was legally blind or turn my head side to side... it sucked.  not to mention i had horrendous week or even month long headaches that would literally confine me to my bed.  i ended up having 2 surgeries on my brain to put in stents and then being put on 2 medications one to thin my blood and the other to prevent migraines, and voila i was better BUT i was quickly awakened to the fact that as young as i was i wasnt at all invinsible...plus the simple ego shot i took when looking at my "my chart" online and seeing that i was "diagnosed" as OBESE.  lord have mercy .  that was all it took i wa so embarrassed that people saw that in my chart everytime i went to the doctor, as shallow as it was, i mean clearly i wasnt small, but that word seemed so vulgar to me, i was so much more that "obese", im a fun gal!!  dont label me!!  so i changed my addiction... and the pounds started DROPPING.  i started trying july 17th 09 and by july 30th 2010 i was pregnant with avarie so i had lost the 90 pounds already in a year.... heres a good picture.... i dont have man full body shots that i can find my computer crashed....

this was in November 09

this was in january 2010

and this was end of august 2010 while pregnant with ava.

so here i am now.....


and i have about 40 lbs to get to my goal.  i cant wait... i havent checked my weight since ive gottten back on the wagon, and i dont have plans to until i go to the doctor, i trust their scale...  its really hard to avoid getting on every day though, i mean who doesnt want a little pat on the back...(but i guess its a good thing im not cause if i saw the number not change i might fall right back off the wagon and into those cookies i was writing so fondly of a moment ago)  so yah.... my new addictions are watching what i eat, drinking a ton of water, getting back into photography, and now, a nap :o) catch ya later blogger :o)

So... my computer crashed....

and i lost ALL my pictures of all the kids (birth to current) and ALL my music... petty compared to the pictures but still.... im sad.  Anywho, i wont pretend thats the only reason i havent been on cause as you all know lance got me a netbook for christmas, but that is PART of the reason i havent been on.  So, I guess an update is in order right about now, hey??  where to begin....

Well, Timmys graduating from 5th grade tomorrow, i cant believe how fast it went, whether you agree with my choice to parent him or not (having been 15 when he was born) I cant help but feel accomplished that weve come this far.  Yes i was WAY too young to be a mom, but all things concidered, him having CP, me being so young, and all the obstacles we tackled, he has turned into such an amazing young man, and Im just plain proud, mostly of him, but a little of myself :o)

Olivias been being really good lately, and ive recently looked at her and realized how grown up shes getting.  and my gosh shes beautiful.  nothing really "new" with her, more or less its just me realizing how big shes gotten recently, and how helpful she really is, shes so much like me when i was young... thats probably why we butt heads so easily :o)

Kaleya just turned 6.... holey cow, i know.... she was actually featured on fox 6 look whos 6 morning news, it was great, it was a good self esteem boost for her (not that she needed one, that girl knows how great she is lol) and of course a few days before her birthday she lost a tooth, and the day after that, another tooth!  it never fails to amaze me how once they start falling out, its like they all come out at once, livie was toothless in front within a matter of a month!  haha!  anywho, shes finishing up k-5 this year, its crazy how much shes learned....shes so smart... they all are, i cant get away with anything these days!!  the days of spelling things we didnt want them to know are LONG gone, i told lance we need to learn japanese or something so we can communicate without them knowing what were talking about!

Jr.... well Jr is jr only more demanding now that avaries stollen some of his attention.... the other night i put him to bed and went to put ava down... i promised him i would come back and cuddle after ava went to sleep, and i had every intention of doing it, but the dishes were calling my name so loudly that i thought i MIGHT be able to sneak downstairs and get them done before going to snuggle him.... as soon as i hit the bottom of the stairs i hear him "my mommy doesnt wanna cuddle me anymore, she just doesnt like cuddling me"  it broke my heart, but id be lying if i didnt say i was a little annoyed to, i mean these kids have my undivided attention all day everyday, thus the reason the dishes were calling to me at 9pm...so its frustrated that now that avaries here he wants me to cudle him til he falls asleep cause half the time i end up falling asleep to making it so i dont get ANYTHING done, and for someone with self diagnosed OCD when it comes to my house, that makes for a crabby me the next day.  were working through it though, and my new challenge for him... learning to wipe his own toosh... thats right, i announced it to the world, get over it prudes, im going to teach him to wipe it himself cause its about that time :o) ill keep you posted to the many messy events to come along the way haha

ava.... well, shes now 2 months old (as of the 4th) and i cant believe how big shes gotten... i saw a 3 week old baby (ava being 10 weeks) and i couldnt believe how big ava looked compared to that little baby, especially since avarie was SMALLER than her when she was born!!  her 2 month appt is on the 15th, i cant wait to see how big she is now...

anywho heres some pictures of life these days :o)

Its been a while.

So Things got crazy for a while there, and i kinda fell off the internet cause i was in such a funk of misery and discomfort that not even facebook could reel me in.  allow me to start at the beginning.

So end of march, i think around the 20th i dunno it was a friday though??  I started bleeding-- Ava wasnt due according to ultrasound until april 14th, so although i was contracting every 2-3 minutes they wouldnt "augment" my labor unless I got to 3cm dilated on my own.... well low and behold i got there, just not before the doctor that promised me some action switched off shifts to a midwife that didnt believe in doing anything to alter the natural process.  I went home. the contractions continued, but werent painful.  exactly a week later i started contracting very painfully went into labor and delivery and was 3 cm still, stayed for 2 hours contracting every 2-3 minutes, and was given the option to stay or go home, i went home again.  I should add that in the meantime, earlier that day my doctor called and told me they were planning to induce me that coming monday at 6 a.m.  I ended up getting sick over the weekend, pink eye and all, and monday morning bright and early went to L&D to get hooked up.  The catch with this delivery is that because i have brain stents and have been on blood thinners for the entire pregnancy, I was told I had to have a c-section by my neurologist.  My OB referred me to a high risk ob when i cried about having to have a csection for my last baby after 4 sucessful vaginal deliveries including a breech baby!  The high risk dr gave me the go ahead for a vaginal delivery as long as i got an epidural right off the bat and let them control my labor to avoid having me push, they also told me theyd probably use a vacuume to assist. 

my hubby had to work, no possible way of getting off, so I was in no rush for things to get hoppin that day, he took me to the hospital and stayed with me until the epi was placed, he left at 7:15 to go to work, and as soon as he walked out the door i started feeling sick... it was shift change and my nurse just happened to be coming in to introduce herself (again... she was the nurse that assisted with my amnio!) which was really a good thing cause i couldnt see (everything went white) and i couldnt hear (my ears were ringing LOUD) i was going to puke, and apparently was completely flushed.  She layed me flat and started messing with the monitors while she was yelling for the anesthesiologist to come back in the room.  long story short, i had a bad reaction to the epi, it bottomed out my blood pressure to 52/29.  They gave me the fastest 4 liters of fluid ever and started pushing 2.5mls of epinephrine every few minutes.  they couldnt get my bp up without making my babys heart rate tachy, so it was slow going and lasted all day... my bp was low until after i had her, and there was a nurse constantly in my room.  (btw, this nurse was awesome, and she will always have a special place in my heart, she literally saved my life and kept my baby healthy) anywho, lance got off work at 430, made it to me at 510, and shortly after my contractions got BAD, i had been stalled t 3cm all day, and within a few minutes of him being there, I could FEEL my baby moving down, the nurse checked me and i was 3, then 2 contractions later i was 6 and with each contraction after that i was another cm until i was complete... Avarie Berlin was born at 6:47 pm on april 4th, 2011 weighin in at 7lbs 3.2 oz and being a whole 20 inches long.  i was so happy to see her gorgeous face and even happier that she waited until her daddy could be there.  life was perfect UNTIL i was hemorrhaging cause by dilating so fast i ripped my cervix, and her being in a funky position didnt help cause it ripped me further... my doctor kept her cool for a second, but shortly after she realized how bad it really was she kicked everyone except my mom (for me) and my hubby (for my baby) out of the room. it took a lot of sewing and franticness, but the AMAZING staff got my bleeding under control.  the room looked like a murder scene, but it was all good, i had my baby and i was aliveeee!!!  we went home 2 days later, and lifes been good ever since!  im still havin a rough recovery, and i miss my belly (of course right? i couldnt WAIT to get rid of it before...) but shes perfect, and im loving her more than life itself.

Heres a few pictures of our little love.

shes hibernating in my ribs now.

ok so im getting to the uncomfortable point.  and to dull the pain ive finished the nursery.. nothing like a little retail and home decorating therapy right?  heres the look!










this isnt part of her room, itll actually probably move around the house a lot, but none the less, i LOVE it, and cant wait to try it out on her... now watch she wont like it haha

heres her carseat, I made a blankie to match :o)

and thats all!  I havent set anything else up cause its too tempting for little hands, and with all the ravioli and sticky hands that go on in this joint, it wouldnt last a week :o) so thatll be last minute-- this stuff i figure is pretty safe as long as its in our room!