being a birth-mom.... its weird.... I mean, its an honor, don't get me wrong, i love knowing that i was able to help a well deserving couple transform into a family, and they've been amazing throughout this entire process... which is exactly what this is, a long and ongoing, (probably forever) process.
i guess its just that its hard to figure out MY place in her life. i know very well that I'm not at all her parent. I'm not even an authority figure. I know I go by my name, and she knows who I am, and what it means, but as the years pass and I watch her grow, I'm not sure what it means for me. I love her. I really and purely do. One of my BIGGEST fears when making the choice to place her with Ben and Betsy was that she wouldn't know that i loved her and the depth of my love for her i mean i love her so much it practically killed me to let her walk out that door with someone other than me knowing that would be the last time she was MINE. it literally took the breath out of me and i couldn't stand... its by far one of the most painful memories i have and even knowing the outcome and how happy i am with it and how much love, respect and joy I have from my relationship with her family, I still cry every time i think of it... it just hurt that much... so loving her isn't a question like I'm sure ignorant people tend to think... but what I'm realizing lately is that I grieve over her, i grieve every year, even 8 years later... not all year, not even frequently, but quiet times, when I'm alone, sometimes in the shower, or just late at night when i cant sleep, or even something as simple as feeding Ava can set it off, and I cant help but feel that pain i felt when i let her walk out the door all the way back on August 11th 2003...
When Katie was a baby and things were fresh, I would see her and I would be so excited to see everyone, it was excitement to see that i made the right choice, that her life was good, that they love her more than words, that she was happy, and that they really were going to let me be in her life actively. then I would leave the visit and as the day would go on and fade to night, id slip into this sad, jealous feeling, why couldn't i have her, why didn't i keep her, i miss her i want her back sort of a thing. i got over it really quick... it was just an adjustment period... i literally changed laundry soap cause i NEEDED to have her smell around me, so like a crazy lady i switched to the same soap they used, and it helped me move on... i felt like i had a little bit of her around. by the time the girls were sitting up i was over that whole situation, and kind of just at peace, or maybe in denial.... I'm not sure...but fast forward a few years... on their 5th birthday we went to the park together, Katie was being sassy and throwing sand at kaleya and just not listening to her mom, and i remember thinking to myself "yikes... I'm glad its not one of my kids doing that." [[disclaimer-no my kids are not perfect in fact they to are naughty on occasion... i have a point... keep reading don't get upset yet]] ( I guess when i decided Ben and Betsy were the perfect parents, i assumed Katie was the perfect kid -Clearly i was overlooking the fact that she still has my DNA Lol) anywho it was that day that things kind of changed for me I couldn't put my finger on it but now i can.
I carried Katie in my belly (along with Liv) for almost 10 months. I knew her sleeping, kicking, hiccuping patterns, i knew her heart-rate, position, i knew how to get her to move, i talked to her, and in a sense i confided in them both during one of the most difficult times of my life... i mean its easier to "talk" to two fetuses than to talk to yourself lol. When I got pregnant I was so upset, i went from feeling violated and angry, hurt and dirty, to loving these little people and wanting the very best for them, wishing it was me, but knowing it wasn't. I gave birth to them naturally, Olivia first head down, then Katie, breech, i breastfed them both while in the hospital, they roomed in with me, and i took that time to tell her everything i could. i knew she wouldn't remember it but it was more for my peace of mind. I told her how special she was and how perfect and that i loved her more than words, that she didn't do anything wrong and that i wish i could keep her...fml... [again with those painful a$$ memories] and that if circumstances were different there would be no question about whether or not id keep her. The adoption was final on September 16th, she was just over a month old and I no longer considered her mine after that point. When I'm sad or missing her, I'm grieving for My newborn baby.... its like a death. the only way I can describe it is that I had a baby, she was mine, and when she was a month old she wasn't there anymore, my memories of her just stop... but I met a family who had a baby that looked just like her and was the same exact age etc.
I'm not attached to Katie as my child, I'm attached to Katie as Katie, Olivia's sister (similar to a sibling through an ex-spouse) or Katie, my good friends daughter, or Katie, this amazing, talented, smart little girl who although i know is my daughters twin is her complete opposite--livie HATES bugs...Katie worms her own hook to fish, Katies terrified of a two wheeler, Livs been riding one since 3 years old etc... theyre both BRILLIANT little girls, but such individuals. Tim always corrects me when people ask me how many kids I have and I answer with 5... saying You forgot about Katie!! and I'm sure there are those of you who'll agree with him, but i don't. Ben and Betsy have tearfully thanked me a ZILLION times for giving them a child and i finally had to tell them... Katie was never mine. There's a reason this happened to me. Its not often that somethin so beautiful can come from something so ugly. Nick thought he was ruining me when he did what he did and instead he was blessing me and a whole nother family in the process. So no. No thanks needed. Katie was never meant for me... I was just the P.O. box that delivered her for Ben and Betsy, god sent her for them all along.
I'm sure this'll be a life long scar that needs a little TLC here n there, but its never going to heal completely with me just shoving it away in the corner or covering it up with baggy clothes so to speak. The girls will be 8 tomorrow. Ive been a "birth-mom" for 8 long years.... each of them different.... and sadly enough i think this is the beginning of my TRUE healing process.
Hi. My names Kim. I had twins on august 9th 2003 at 4:14 and 4:15 they weighed 6 lbs 1 oz (18.25 inches) and 6 lbs 5 oz (18.5 inches). On September 16th of that same year I placed one of them for adoption with an amazing set of parents, and its probably the best choice I've made as a parent to date....it hurt like hell, but I'm still standin.
i guess its just that its hard to figure out MY place in her life. i know very well that I'm not at all her parent. I'm not even an authority figure. I know I go by my name, and she knows who I am, and what it means, but as the years pass and I watch her grow, I'm not sure what it means for me. I love her. I really and purely do. One of my BIGGEST fears when making the choice to place her with Ben and Betsy was that she wouldn't know that i loved her and the depth of my love for her i mean i love her so much it practically killed me to let her walk out that door with someone other than me knowing that would be the last time she was MINE. it literally took the breath out of me and i couldn't stand... its by far one of the most painful memories i have and even knowing the outcome and how happy i am with it and how much love, respect and joy I have from my relationship with her family, I still cry every time i think of it... it just hurt that much... so loving her isn't a question like I'm sure ignorant people tend to think... but what I'm realizing lately is that I grieve over her, i grieve every year, even 8 years later... not all year, not even frequently, but quiet times, when I'm alone, sometimes in the shower, or just late at night when i cant sleep, or even something as simple as feeding Ava can set it off, and I cant help but feel that pain i felt when i let her walk out the door all the way back on August 11th 2003...
When Katie was a baby and things were fresh, I would see her and I would be so excited to see everyone, it was excitement to see that i made the right choice, that her life was good, that they love her more than words, that she was happy, and that they really were going to let me be in her life actively. then I would leave the visit and as the day would go on and fade to night, id slip into this sad, jealous feeling, why couldn't i have her, why didn't i keep her, i miss her i want her back sort of a thing. i got over it really quick... it was just an adjustment period... i literally changed laundry soap cause i NEEDED to have her smell around me, so like a crazy lady i switched to the same soap they used, and it helped me move on... i felt like i had a little bit of her around. by the time the girls were sitting up i was over that whole situation, and kind of just at peace, or maybe in denial.... I'm not sure...but fast forward a few years... on their 5th birthday we went to the park together, Katie was being sassy and throwing sand at kaleya and just not listening to her mom, and i remember thinking to myself "yikes... I'm glad its not one of my kids doing that." [[disclaimer-no my kids are not perfect in fact they to are naughty on occasion... i have a point... keep reading don't get upset yet]] ( I guess when i decided Ben and Betsy were the perfect parents, i assumed Katie was the perfect kid -Clearly i was overlooking the fact that she still has my DNA Lol) anywho it was that day that things kind of changed for me I couldn't put my finger on it but now i can.
I carried Katie in my belly (along with Liv) for almost 10 months. I knew her sleeping, kicking, hiccuping patterns, i knew her heart-rate, position, i knew how to get her to move, i talked to her, and in a sense i confided in them both during one of the most difficult times of my life... i mean its easier to "talk" to two fetuses than to talk to yourself lol. When I got pregnant I was so upset, i went from feeling violated and angry, hurt and dirty, to loving these little people and wanting the very best for them, wishing it was me, but knowing it wasn't. I gave birth to them naturally, Olivia first head down, then Katie, breech, i breastfed them both while in the hospital, they roomed in with me, and i took that time to tell her everything i could. i knew she wouldn't remember it but it was more for my peace of mind. I told her how special she was and how perfect and that i loved her more than words, that she didn't do anything wrong and that i wish i could keep her...fml... [again with those painful a$$ memories] and that if circumstances were different there would be no question about whether or not id keep her. The adoption was final on September 16th, she was just over a month old and I no longer considered her mine after that point. When I'm sad or missing her, I'm grieving for My newborn baby.... its like a death. the only way I can describe it is that I had a baby, she was mine, and when she was a month old she wasn't there anymore, my memories of her just stop... but I met a family who had a baby that looked just like her and was the same exact age etc.
I'm not attached to Katie as my child, I'm attached to Katie as Katie, Olivia's sister (similar to a sibling through an ex-spouse) or Katie, my good friends daughter, or Katie, this amazing, talented, smart little girl who although i know is my daughters twin is her complete opposite--livie HATES bugs...Katie worms her own hook to fish, Katies terrified of a two wheeler, Livs been riding one since 3 years old etc... theyre both BRILLIANT little girls, but such individuals. Tim always corrects me when people ask me how many kids I have and I answer with 5... saying You forgot about Katie!! and I'm sure there are those of you who'll agree with him, but i don't. Ben and Betsy have tearfully thanked me a ZILLION times for giving them a child and i finally had to tell them... Katie was never mine. There's a reason this happened to me. Its not often that somethin so beautiful can come from something so ugly. Nick thought he was ruining me when he did what he did and instead he was blessing me and a whole nother family in the process. So no. No thanks needed. Katie was never meant for me... I was just the P.O. box that delivered her for Ben and Betsy, god sent her for them all along.
I'm sure this'll be a life long scar that needs a little TLC here n there, but its never going to heal completely with me just shoving it away in the corner or covering it up with baggy clothes so to speak. The girls will be 8 tomorrow. Ive been a "birth-mom" for 8 long years.... each of them different.... and sadly enough i think this is the beginning of my TRUE healing process.
Hi. My names Kim. I had twins on august 9th 2003 at 4:14 and 4:15 they weighed 6 lbs 1 oz (18.25 inches) and 6 lbs 5 oz (18.5 inches). On September 16th of that same year I placed one of them for adoption with an amazing set of parents, and its probably the best choice I've made as a parent to date....it hurt like hell, but I'm still standin.
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